Content warning: This episode references the times we live in right now, in March 2020, and a lot of religion. Take a break if you need to. It’s all right. We’ll be here.
[old-radio crackle in the background; a deep male voice recites Psalm 91]
Psalm 91
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
[“Brittle Rille” by Kevin MacLeod fades in]
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
[old-radio crackle fades out; Lindsay’s voice comes in over music]
Hello, and welcome to Daddybuck’s Notebook. I’m Lindsay, and my grandfather, who we called Daddybuck, was a creative genius. In this podcast, my goal is to find the beautiful things he made and share them with the world, and with you. I’m also going to be sharing my own works with you, paying it forward from the inspiration he gave me. So let’s get started.
[“Brittle Rille” fades out]
That was my grandfather’s voice reading Psalm 91 from the Protestant Christian Bible. This past Christmas, my parents put together a flash drive of a bunch of recordings they dug up in Daddybuck’s study. In this one titled “Scripture,” he reads three passages: Psalm 91, Psalm 23, and the Lord’s Prayer.
I spent a lot of my life anchored by scripture passages like these, mantras I’d speak to myself when fear or darkness kept me from falling asleep. I wrote them down, memorizing all I could. It was like song lyrics. I spoke them in meter, feeling their familiar warmth, the promise they held of acceptance, safety, unconditional love.
Times are… stressful, right now. If someone is listening to this far in the future, look up March 2020 for the US, and, you know, the rest too. There’s a lot at stake and not a lot I can do about it.
The fear and the darkness keep me from sleeping. Again.
But now, my mantras sound a little different. When it all gets to be too much, I fall back on wisdom I’ve gleaned from books and therapists and my own inner thoughts, when they actually help me. I mostly know how to care for my own mind now. To learn to do that, I had to leave some things behind.
I’ve hinted before that my faith has taken turns. It could have been a healthy thing, probably, but that’s not how it went for me. I scrambled for the semblance of perfection while screaming through my smile at everyone that we were all loved no matter what.
The dissociation split me apart. I ended up doing the thing I’d always pitied other people for doing: I gave up on what I’d been taught and took a different path.
[“Windswept” by Kevin MacLeod fades in, remains quiet]
But leaving your past isn’t the same as a walk in the woods. Sure, time is linear. But memory is not. And some of those passages stay with me, even now, even with all that baggage, and there’s something warm about them. I feel them in my mind like the spark of a spell, a protection charm, woven around the bed of a scared child so she remembers love exists and it is here, right in this room, rocking her to sleep.
[“Windswept” fades out]
The Psalm at the beginning of this episode is not my favorite, but I like how Daddybuck reads it. The next one, though, now that’s a classic. Psalm 23. I used to speak this particular spell into the dark like I was generating a force field against anything scary.
I wove that spell for myself because I needed it. I still weave those spells. We all do. When things get to be too much, we repeat the wisdom that’s gotten us this far. It doesn’t really matter what it is. All that matters, right now, is that you weave it around yourself, and you remember that love exists, and it is here, right in this room, rocking you to sleep.
[old-radio crackle, Daddybuck’s voice begins to recite Psalm 23; partway through, Lindsay’s voice fades in to recite along with him; by the end, his has faded away and Lindsay reads the final verse alone]
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
[“Lindsay’s Theme” by Mark Holt fades in softly]
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
The music in today’s episode is “Brittle Rille” and “Windswept” by Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com, and “Lindsay’s Theme” by cellist Mark Holt at cellokeys.wordpress.com.
The Bible readings were from the King James version, read by John S. Townsend. You can find transcripts for these episodes at lindsaywrittendown.wordpress.com. This podcast is licensed under a Creative Commons license.
Stay creative.
[“Lindsay’s Theme” fades out]
Lindsay, Written Down 